The time I was "BEGGED" to be the face of Ashley Madison....

Welcome to Hollywood Bitches~

So. Check this out.

Firstly, you go through a pretty heinous public divorce, like National Enquirer style ugly (thank you David Pecker)! Then quickly you become the Poster Child for abject humiliation and ridicule when your husband of thirteen years leaves you for his co-star, a much younger women with big fake tits, an even bigger bank account and ties to Hollywood Royalty. Jealous yet?

They meet cute on a Lifetime movie. Soulmates and engaged in three weeks. Eloping to Fiji, just them and a full crew from People Magazine. A match made in Hollywood heaven. Until it wasn’t.

Cut to, well now. Divorce ( them ) not me. No prenup, tales of addiction, infidelities, and one feisty pig.

Full “Lifetime “circle moment.

Yet I digress.

Back to being dumped. You assume the identity of the '“older bitter wife”, perhaps “homeless and living in a shopping cart down by the river bed” and it now starts to proceed you. Everyday is one surreal moment after the next, either being featured on Entertainment Tonight or offered a reality show tailored to excavate your pain with your potential new bestie, Marla Maples! Photographs of you taking out the garbage and “Friends” selling stories to the tabloids, (hence a lot of newly remodeled kitchens) are a daily occurrence. In short, every women’s nightmare.

In short; Hi!!!

That’s me!

I took the job, so hopefully you won’t have to.

Ashley Madison: Sex, Lies and Scandal! brought it all back.

After my divorce, I had a new found level of D List fame that was definitely a mixed bag. My prior accomplishments at this point were mere chatter. I was either the wronged “every woman’’ tossed aside for the shiny upgrade, or just “barren” and “way past fuckable.’ The good news was that it seemed like my story had resonated with women from all around the world, who shocker, had their own version of this specific narrative.

Daily I was faced with a litany of horror stories from women everywhere! One gal came up to me wild with grief after her husband put a reverse mortgage on their house then married her sister! When I was on Joy Behar’s talk show she told me about her best friends husband who broke up with her in the middle of delivering twins! Like she hadn’t even pushed the second one out yet. At this point I am beginning to think, maybe my situation wasn’t that bad after all?

So when Noel Biderman started courting me for Ashley Madison I had a little experience and a lot of wind under my sails. What to say about Noel…….

Noel and I worked together for many years and it was a slow burn. He was charming and a great collaborator. I moderated a debate in Texas for Ashley Madison at one of the largest and most affluent super churches in the country. They had Cappuccino bars at every juncture and spas and party rooms and high end cafeterias. It was typical theatre with Noel selling the “Life is short, Have an affair” byline, knowing that most of the audience were probably subscribers anyway.

Every year we would dance around him asking me to be the face of Ashley Madison and my adamant decline. How powerful would it be ( he would pitch ) if I, Mary Jo Eustace, one of the most scorned women ever, endorsed adultery! He was relentless.

To quell his enthusiasm I actually did a cookbook called Cooking For your Cub to bolster his other burgeoning website, Cougar Life. I did the typical rounds of TV and print, spewing out the message that we as women could have whatever we want! We were successful, independent and desirable and just like men we could dance around the age spectrum. Recipes were cute, introducing him to complex foods and small amounts of alcohol, with every dish named after a famous older woman. The response was amazing and books sold out fast and furious.

Not exactly War and Peace…..But it worked!

Here is the thing. Well, a few things. I could never buy what Noel was selling, because even he didn’t believe it! It was so calculated and formulaic and when he got his wife involved? I mean come on! A nice jewish mom from Toronto selling this shit? Life is short, bang your hot neighbor! Really? How does that go over at Hot Yoga?

Okay, and another thing. I have been offered a million ways of sideways to monetize my pain. I walked out of a meeting once with one of the biggest producers in Hollywood. Actually he walked out but it was challenging because he had to step over me to leave and he was, umm, very diminutive, and with his short little legs he got boxed in amongst all the fancy deconstructed furniture.

Anyway, his objective was to produce, with my ex-husband and his wife ( they were on board ) a show about finding me love! Like the bachelor except with the end goal of getting me hitched and perhaps alleviating the financial burn of my ex paying alimony and child support. Are we seeing a pattern here?

So when I was offered a TON of money to become the face of Ashley Madison, I just couldn’t do it. How could I go on The View and Good Morning America and condone infidelity like it was a new sports drink? I had learned the hard way that nothing good ever comes from a complete abdication of who you are and what you believe in. Aging more than anything has taught me that. I can outrun a lot of things, but not my own ecosystem. That is an impossible race to win.

Plus what about all of my ladies who stood by me and shared their own stories of grief and devastation. How could I possibly betray them? No fucking way.

I turned him down.

Then last night after watching the documentary on Netflix I felt compelled to pull up all of my old emails with Noel and Avid Media and there it was. One email that stood out more than any other. It was dated August 20th, 2015 the day that all of Ashley Madison’s subscribers information became public fodder, potentially destroying people’s lives and their families.

“You must be pretty happy.”

That is what I sent to him. Because at the same time that Rome was burning down, Ashley Madison was garnering new subscribers at an alarming rate and I knew he would love this. It was always about monetizing people’s lower angels and their pain and as we all know, that is an endless landscape.

I do wonder though. Did Noel hack and expose all the vulnerabilities in his own ecosystem for profit, publicity and a kick ass client list?? I don’t know because I never heard from him again.

But in this car crash culture we all reside in, was it a victory or a loss?

We should ask his wife.

Namaste

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