I just ended a 15 year Relationship....
And some Biatch moved in the next day.
The beauty was undeniable.
A safe refuge from every storm. Cool in a crisis, cozy on the longest of winter nights, and a direct reflection of all that I loved.
From the start our relationship burned hot and heavy, offering a harbor of calm and passion I have never known. From the first text that confirmed our time and place to meet, I knew this was going to be a connection for the ages.
The day arrives and of course, it is stunning.
In my head I have always carried this deep need for belonging. A chaotic childhood and a turbulent imbued mid life had set me on a much different path than I had ever anticipated. And now, much to my surprise pre-meeting I find myself saying the THING that all guys ALWAYS say on dating apps ( while holding a fish );
Please be DRAMA free.
So one final breath and I emerge.
The impact is greater then I could have imagined. I am in love. Wildly, impossibly in love. Elegant, Spanish, sophisticated without one ounce of pretension. My eyes fill with tears. I am home.
Six weeks later we were living together and it feels like a dream. The light pours in every morning through the french doors, bouncing off the tousled white sheets all crumpled from the night before. Coffee in bed, strolling to cute local cafes, sharing a bottle of Rose as the evening settles all lilac and dusty over the Hollywood Hills.
There is a small period of adjustment where we feel each other out, allowing the space between us to become familiar and safe and cozy.
But then it happens.
In the eyes of the world and my bank ( thank you for the 3.75 per cent mortgage rate Koko );
I am officially….
A homeowner!
My new crush is an absolute stunner, a 1934 Spanish that has arches and terracotta tiles for days. She is surrounded by fruit trees and wild Lavender with an imposing Cactus that blooms at night, wrapped in swirls of ivory colored blossoms.
I feel alive, empowered. I walk the property everyday and think to myself, “I made this shit happen.” Christmas parties spill out into the front and back yard, where I celebrated the most beautiful of things with people who are now no longer here. My dad plants a lime tree for my daughter Lola and it stretches towards the sun, graciously supplying us for years with tangy Margaritas.
Yet like anything it’s complicated, so when it came time to sell I THOUGHT I was ready.
Spoiler alert; I wasn’t.
My identity was gorgeously wrapped up in every nook and cranny of that sweet house and all the people who I loved and welcomed. I bought it. I made it happen and ultimately I let it go.
For me it serves as the perfect example of this aging bullshit. You can’t really tell if you’re tethered or untethered? I am free of the stress of exploding toilets and leaky roofs but if I let go of the past what on earth do I hold on to now?
Maybe that is the point though, at any age. The terror and exhilaration of closing one chapter to write the next, regardless of the amount of years behind or ahead. Aging punctuates the timeline but in a way aren’t we all operating in the space of life’s uncertain landscape, making one brave choice at a time?
So as I say good bye to my longest and most healthy relationship I also open the window wide for the next great adventure or love affair to fly in.
After all nothing is perfect. Let the new ‘biatch’ deal with the AC bill.
August in the San Fernando Valley? Not my problem…..
Thank god.
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MJx
clever.......